Praise to you! It is again a beautiful fall weekend. Worship tomorrow for me and I am looking forward to that. May I again state that I pray that God will bless my typed words. This is all to glorify Him and to help others gain freedom from the earthly things that have stalled, halted and blocked the Holy Spirit from completely entering into their being. I am so happy to say that I truly have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ now and please if you are not sure if you do, please ask him to assist you to enter into that! My life now has such rich meaning and I sure smile alot more!
In my journey, especially the last 10 months, I have become quite the writer. I have shared before in my blog, my love for writing during my daily devotion. These are simply love letters to the Lord. (and some love letters to very important people in my life!) In my journal, I have also made lists of sorts. All kinds of lists. I will share in a future blog the lies of alcohol and how it has snuck up on me a few times in my life.
One of the lists I wanted to put on paper and face finally was my childhood fears. You may say you had all kinds of fears as a child and that they are normal. And yes, they are. Our fear of the dark, our fear of strangers, etc. I knew as a child my anxieties were way out of whack. And as an adult, I tried to hide them. And then came the panic attacks. My anxieties as a child, as far back as I can remember actually caused me to be ill. I won't go into detail because I don't think you need to know every detail about me, but it really hindered my sleep and my ability to relax to name a few things.
Here is my list of fears as a child: Tornadoes, trees falling on our house during high wind, babysitting in other peoples homes, fear of our own home growing up, aliens, Big Foot, being in a boat, being home alone, ghosts, fear of our neighbor man, fear of men and boys, fear of our basement, fear of foods such as liver, eggplant and mushrooms, snakes, dogs and cows.
What a list! The problem is: alot of these fears didn't subside much as a teenager or young adult. And I developed heart palpitations at age 20. That was when a physician talked to me about anxiety. And it took me 23 years to really understand where that anxiety was coming from.
Now I can say that my anxiety as an adult was an accumulation of guilt and anger. Maybe counselors and physicians have been telling me that for years. I don't think I was a very good listener if they did! As an adult, I was 1) not completely walking in the light and 2) had not forgave those who had wronged me. It added up to a pile. And guilt and anger will rob you, as me, of freedom. It will continue to pile up. And please, if you have someone in your past to forgive, find a way to do it. Maybe even just ask the Lord to scan your life for you. We have blinders on. We even forget how much we have hated someone if we have done it for years. We just look at it as a deserved behavior. "I have the right to hate that person. They sexually abused me". No, you don't have the right to hate someone even for that kind of wicked crime. Ask me. You can't believe the crimes that have been committed against me and my loved ones. Anything and everything is forgivable. Amen, Lord. Thank you for giving me your love on the cross. I will praise You!
If I can, I would like to expand on my particular childhood fears. You may not understand a fear of food. I can specifically remember seeing the eggplant on the counter or hear the rumor from my sisters that we were having liver for supper, and feeling actually sick all day about it. It would ruin my day. I would obsessively think about it and how I was going to get through supper. And then I knew I would be forced to eat it. That is what some parents did back then. I tried to also make my two older kids "take a bite" of food they didn't like. And Ben vomited up that tiny bite of squash. And then, I decided, really, is it worth it? If I can convince them to try different foods, great, but if they are freaking out about it, jeez, move on and throw that bite of food down the drain!
I also watched In Search Of. And that show got me scared! That is where I believe I became so scared of Big Foot and aliens.
I believe I have a personality that obsesses about things and this includes things I fear. So as a child, I believe I had a predisposition to anxiety type behavior. Just like people have a predisposition to other disorders. But, how you handle your feelings is another matter. How about putting faith into your fears? Yes, I prayed, I read the Bible. But, I didn't trust the Lord completely apparently.
I believe my journaling has helped me to expose these truths about me. I was ready to move forward on so many elements this past year or so.
To be free from satan and his tricks, you have to expose him. And I have decided I have wasted enough of my life letting him tell me lies. My fears have filled my head so much that the Holy Spirit had a hard time getting through all that muck. And that is the hope of satan. So, journaling has put these fears concrete in front of me. It also has helped me to express them to others more freely. You can't imagine the responses. Most people are relieved to hear that they are normal. That we all pretty much are sharing the same story here on earth. We just aren't being authentic with each other, making us think everyone else has it so much better or everyone else has got it together. So far from the truth.
So, there is my anxiety for you. It is a healthy anxiety now. It is a fight or fright natural mechanism. Yes, I freak out a little here and there from icy roads and I hate emptying the mouse trap and repeat certain phrases over and over again to assist me in scary times. But, I am not medicating myself in any way, shape or form to help this anxiety. And I feel as calm as I have ever in my life, without medication. I put my trust in the Lord finally. I have surrendered to him. I am ready for anything.
I have seen the pharmaceutical commercials and magazine ads to "own your disease." These ads are for either pain or psychological type diseases. This is really getting out of hand. I have bought into it many times. Yes, these drugs are helpful. If I didn't watch TV or pick up a magazine to see this ad, I may have not known that I may suffer from this disease or that. But, going from the ADHD craze (yes, many kids need this medicine), it had scores of parents screen their kids for it, some parents sure their kids needed this medicine. I think some parents would have been relieved if someone could offer a pill to make their youngster sit still more and behave. I certainly would have liked that as well. They may have even been a little disappointed to hear that their child did not have ADHD. Now, they had to come up with another plan. A harder plan.
Do you believe that the Lord can heal you? Truly heal you? Especially in matters of subjective medicine. Psychological disorders: Eating disorders, alcohol and drug addiction, tobacco addiction, chronic pain, panic attacks, depression, OCD? Please ask the Lord to help you examine the ROOT of your problem. He would love to help you! And then you can glorify Him! And share with others your victory! He wants to give you victories! Please, I ask you to lean on him even when the doctor wants you to take a pill for "it". I am living proof of someone who has been prescribed medication after medication and all I needed to do was be patient, pray, surrender and TRUST. And I will continue to work hard on my "disorders" and not let the lies of the world (satan) keep me enslaved to them. I bet if you told your doctor you want to be in the drivers seat, you want to get off of that medicine, you are praying and hey, maybe he can pray with you as well, that the Lord can give you the power to overcome. AMEN!!! Give it a shot! All with the help of the Holy Spirit's guidance. Praise God for his gift of awakening me!
1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
Philippians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
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