Opening with a petition that this message will come to you with joy and peace and an overall feeling of well-being as I share authentic things about myself. I am driven to type and write these last 9 months, so I am doing as told by my "Holy Spirit Driver" as I call him. He truly has instructed me to write and write it often and keep writing. And do it now, not later.
The only Biblical thing my dad shared with me, an actual passage from the Bible, is Psalm 25. I know he read the Bible. He and mom did and didn't talk about it or share what they read. Mom read more than dad. They were Christians and practicing Lutherans. But there just wasn't an openess about it. I started reading the Bible at age 10. I read alot of the New Testament. Old Testament reading was slower going. I loved to read to learn, reading the newspaper starting before age 10. I used to look up from the newspaper and notice mom and dad looking at me like it wasn't exactly normal to be trying to read, front to back, a newspaper. Like most adventurous young pups, we dived into Revelations, King James Version, without direction and explanation on all of that science fiction type material. It was like watching the TV show In Search Of, with mystery and some spookiness to it.
Dad and Mom moved to South Carolina in April 1987. I was just 19 years old and had a one month old baby. The economy was rough, and had been for a few years already. Dad had been laid off from Deeres now three years and it was not looking good for a man his age. He had gotten a horticulture degree from Hawkeye Tech during his lay-off, worked at Menards in security and had to make a change. They were scared. So, an old Jesup friend, Walt, who had helped rebuild Hardees in the eighties now was ramping up a meat processing plant on a historic plantation in Hemingway, SC. Walt had come to dad a few other times to ask him to join him in business ventures. This time they went. And they made the decision and left within a couple of weeks. Wow.
While in South Carolina my folks really enjoyed life. They had glorious weather, (minus hurricane Hugo), golf, good work, southern hospitality and each other without distractions. Our visits to them included crabbing, Big Dees BBQ, golf, beach time and long talks in the evening. I played piano for my parents and their friends. That was such a treat.
I had the honor in South Carolina to have my dad quote to me Psalm 25. He stated that the Lord had forgiven the sins of his youth. He didn't elaborate on that. I knew he was a rebellious teenager, but greatly loved and forgiven by his parents. I could sense that he was loved, felt loved by his parents. Why he rebelled, I don't know. I heard some details here and there, but I also heard of other youth in the 40's and 50's that stole trains, skipped school non-stop, smoked at very young ages and had many more fights than our youth seem to see happen on school yards. He didn't provide details and I didn't need to know them.
I am so happy I memorized the name of that Psalm and didn't just let it float by me. Dad didn't say much. And when he did, you listened.
I went on a scavenger hunt of sorts in the last year and a half. I decided I wanted to examine my rebellion as a young person deeper. I wanted to get to the bottom of it because I thought it was important. I found two people I trusted and had gotten to know very well over the past several years. These are women that are very founded in their faith and families. It is evident when you are around them that they have deep roots and don't blow in the breeze type of people. I asked them at a comfortable time if they could tell me if they rebelled as young people, broke rules, etc. They both said no. They were afraid of their parents and didn't want to disappoint their parents. And those two things were enough to keep them from drinking, smoking, break curfew and get boy crazy.
Well, absolutely I was afraid of my parents. But, the disappointment part I don't know. I think I was curious, I was a risk taker, I was creative, I was popular with many of the groups at school. I was the girl that you wouldn't guess would do some of these things. Well, some people saw through me, but I was the pianist and was pretty dedicated to that. And I worked alot. Sometimes three jobs. I loved to make money and keep busy. I was riding my bike for exercise and always doing something to keep in shape, shooting hoops for hours, jogging despite respiratory issues with that. So, it appeared I wasn't the typical trouble finder.
But, yes I found trouble. I can point to all kinds of reasons. It isn't really worth all of that. One thing for sure is that I was trusting of too many people in my life. And ended up in cars (a Fiat) that was going 130 MPH with a drunk driver. And that was just one time that a boy was driving us girls drunk and fast. The Lord was patient with me and didn't take me and sure could have. I put myself in situations with boys and girlfriends and strangers that were not wise. Lord help me understand my foolishness to put myself in such danger over and over.
My punishment for drinking included making me quit the sport I was in. I was the lead scorer for the JV basketball team and I had to quit because I came home drunk. Not because the coach said I had to quit. My parents changed their mind and the coach said I could be the stat keeper. I said forget it. And I never played basketball again. Forget it. I did this again during volleyball season. I was excellent on offense. I could serve that volleyball and scored often for the team. But, I had to quit. And again, I decided never to play volleyball again after that.
I tried this kind of parenting with my oldest, Brittany. I tried out this parenting style on her. But, by the time my boys came, I had gotten some wisdom and wanted to discipline out of love and guidance. And provide a discipleship all along the way. Mentor them. Talk about drinking and why you should not drink. Not because it is a rule, but because it can ruin your life or kill you. And tell them my examples of what it did to take away some of my opportunities and respect for myself and respect from others. I never got that style of parenting corrected with Brittany. She went through all 18 years of my parenting that way. I apologize to her now and often. I try to keep telling her that I just didn't have it down yet. I didn't shed everything that I saw that didn't work when I was growing up. I didn't want to discipline because my child was embarrassing me. Or that I needed to make an example out of them. I was changing this when my boys were growing up. Discipline out of love, love, love.
Luckily I bypassed all drugs growing up. I saw drugs on the school bus. I saw drugs on our school choir trip in the hotel. I saw stoned kids at school after rock concerts, the next morning. Everyone was talking about it and their obvious intoxication. Something inside me said not to do that. And I was glad that voice was audible to me.
I saw kids smoke on school property. In the bathrooms and outside of the front doors, right in view of our main street in Jesup, 6th Street. The teachers smoked in their lounge. I saw older farm boys really disrespect our principals. And I felt fear for those principals. Because those boys were strong, were of legal age to drink, and had bad homes. Those boys had nicknames for the principals. Crow, Cue Ball they called our principals. And right in their presence. Talk about rebellion.
In Junior High one of the girls brought wine into the bathroom. I didn't connect with her much, she actually was mean to me many times throughout Jr. High and High School and even as an adult in my 20's. She wrote me hate letters in Jr. High and passed them around to have even my friends sign. I didn't drink the booze because I wasn't invited the the bathroom party. I walked in and it was happening. And I walked back out. She got caught. And got in trouble. I won't say I was innocent in alcoholic matters in High School. But this was a near hit at me, and I am glad I didn't take a sip. I forgive her. I didn't understand her jealousy to me. This is all a point to show there were so many opportunities in a small bedroom community school to drink, smoke and more.
I see a painting and all of it. I see all of the painting alot of the time. Not parts of it. I am so very receptive to what is going on around me, and have my entire life, that I have all of this stored somewhere. And I pull it out when necessary. It is maddening at times to be so very aware of my surroundings. It is a gift and a curse. The Lord, I believe has instilled this in me as a gift. But, use it wisely. I also am a person of authenticity. I would rather be real and despised, than not be as deep and rich as I am. I would rather ask the tough questions. I make some people very uncomfortable. I bring others joy with my realness.
I would have loved to have had that voice talk to me about alcohol and cigarettes and boys, like it did about drugs. But, maybe the Lord had some pathways he needed me to take. He made me rich in Him because I see the errors of my ways. I see that I had choices always. I chose, I chose, I chose to do these rebellious things. I came back like the prodigal son to the Lord. It doesn't matter how my parents raised me or how they reacted to my bad behaviors. I chose these paths.
It was so rewarding to have these two women share with me. I am so lucky to have these conversations. I can say there is so much to gain from asking a question, not out of curiosity or fodder for gossip, but for self reflection in their answer. I do this often and do it more as I age. I am only really interested now in the heart of life. I don't really even want to talk deep politics or 2012 coming or who is on Dancing With The Stars. I really want to spend my time with people I care for that will just provide both of us a opportunity to go deeper, ultimately so that we can all continue to heal and be closer with Christ.
I feel so honored that my dad shared that Psalm with me. And I heard it. And I believed it. He had such peace when he shared that. I knew when he said it, back in approximately 1996, that I would someday be consumed with that peace myself with my past. I can't talk to my parents any longer, as they have left this earth, but I can talk to my children and grandchildren. And the Lord provides me with an ever changing relationship with Him that evolves into growth that reaches out like branches to my loved ones. Good fruit bearing going on.
Praise and Glory only to God above for this message to you. It is not from me. I am just the vessel. He is working through me. Amen.
Ecclesiastes 11:9-10 Be happy, young man, while you are young, and let your heart give you joy in the days of your youth. Follow the ways of your heart and whatever your eyes see, but know that for all these things God will bring you to judgement. So then, banish anxiety from your heart and cast off the troubles of your body, for youth and vigor are meaningless.
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