Praise God! I sat in church today with three generations. (Myself, my daughter and my granddaughter.) My two sisters and my son also were there. We have not all been in each others presence for years. The Holy Spirit lined up the stars and it happened and we enjoyed 9am worship and then some lunch. So healthy and heavenly. Another "first". So many "firsts" since being born again. I cherish these. He just keeps making beautiful things happen in my life.
Going backwards, it has not been the case. I was a mess at many points in my life. I was a clean-up-in-isle-five at times. That is not really a good thing being a mom. But, I didn't exactly ask for the problems that came. But, as Steven Covey author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People puts it: "You can't talk your way out of problems you behave yourself into." There is no big use in me pointing fingers. It actually is a relief to point the finger inward at myself.
I can point to the winds of change coming in January of 2010 (I have mentioned this before). I attended Prairie Lakes Church for the first time. That was my first instance in actually having my deaf ears hear pastor John Fuller state truly how much God loves us. And my stopped-up ears heard how much he wants us to start over again, without rules and rituals. Just start. And it's ok. But, you need to also walk in the light and read the Word. And it's not going to be easy. But that we are worthy. ??Me worthy? Me?
Then a chain reaction happened from that point on. People using the Holy Spirit living in them to change my mess. And books that I read that changed my thoughts toward a relationship with Jesus, erasing all I had been programed by the world. And some very, very deep thinking about what all had happened to get me to isle five.
It was August and my daughter was pregnant and the baby was coming in about a month. I felt a need to be still. I remember cancelling alot of plans with my girlfriend and even family members. I couldn't explain to them in any earthly terms what I meant by "I just need to prepare". I stayed home. And was still.
I got to be a part of bringing that Miss Kinnley into this world. Dr. Ortiz was busy with two other deliveries and truly we had to lie to my daughter about that because the baby was crowning, but no doctor. So quietly her boyfriend and I were communicated that and what to do if the baby came before the doctor. Luckily, he came in at the last few minutes. It was a very great labor and delivery. And I was so honored to have my daughter ask me to be there. I can never express how grateful I am to have had that opportunity.
Now, in addition to three miracles (my children), I have two grandchildren. I had lost two babies to miscarriage. My most recent miscarriage before Ross was a little more than traumatic. The baby deceased at 4 months. But that baby would not deliver. I had to have two surgical D&C's and one without anesthetic in the office. I can say that having a miscarriage before each of my boys really made me appreciate what a miracle a baby is.
Getting to the point of this is simply that I cannot be a mess for my children and I certainly cannot be that for my grandchildren. Again, I will point out Steven Covey's words "I believe that giving wings to our children and to others means empowering them with the freedom to rise above negative scripting that had been passed down to us."
And that is why I am never going to allow myself to be a mess any longer, but a transition person, another topic he covers. I had to throw away birth order (I am the baby of five girls), I had to throw away religious tradition (I grew up Lutheran, converted to Catholicism in 1998), I had to rethink all that I had seen and experienced from birth to age 18, I had to say goodbye to certain people in my life and limit my time with those that I knew were good only in small doses. I had to quit putting myself where I would be tempted. I had to enlarge my circle of people that were supporting me in my new faith filled life. (there are so many! Amen Lord) I would not shut the door forever on those that I had to say goodbye to or those that I had to limit time with. I had to make some choices for my own salvation. It was crucial I protect myself. And I see a great need to do that the rest of my life, protect, protect and quit trusting in the world, only trust in the Lord.
Either I was going to be a transition person and take these risks, or I truly would be continuing living out a story line that eventually seemed to equal the need for a mop again for clean up. And these kids and grandkids deserve so much better from this Godly woman than that. And not to be having one foot in the pit and one foot out. Both feet out of the pit and doing things daily to keep my new love affair with Christ brand new and growing. I am a seedling of His. I am not my mother or fathers creation. I am simply owned by the God of the Universe. I am His. I love that. I am His!!!
I smile so much more now. I glow. I know I do. My little hole in my heart is filled in. I don't crave alcohol as a numbing agent. I really don't desire alcohol much at all now (it is like a thief in the night, we drink socially and drink at "social norms" and pretty soon you don't realize how many nights you are drinking and how much you really are consuming. And how you are pairing up meals and outdoor festivals and holidays and after work drinks and Super Bowl drinks, la la la la la --it goes on and on!) I asked him to help quench my thirst for the things in life that I can't have right now. (a husband) The relationship with Jesus Christ totally satisfies me. I am so grateful for these answered prayers!
I want to close with a wonderful thing I discovered after finishing Steven Covey's book. I was on a healthy kick of professional reading for about 3 years. I read books to help me develop into being a better manager, a better communicator. But, I also started reading for spiritual development 15 months ago. So, I was reading both kinds of books. I was phasing out of this management series of readings because the pleasure of reading books to help me put a finger on my relationship with Christ was so much more rewarding. So, I am finishing Covey in Mexico this summer at a family wedding and totally enjoying this book, but a little sad. Covey doesn't mention his faith only once in the book, and it is pretty brief. He expands on the fact that great leaders are spiritual people and are typically involved in their churches. But he doesn't witness to Christ. So, I am at the end of the book and there is my treasured surprise on page 319, titled "A Personal Note". Covey puts himself out on a limb to state "I believe correct principles are natural laws, and that God, the Creator and Father of us all, is the source of them, and also the source of our conscience. I believe that as human beings, we cannot perfect ourselves."
Thank you Steven Covey. I feared you missed the entire point of life, as I did. We cannot perfect ourselves or tame ourselves or cure ourselves. We have to draw every bit of energy and hope, every minute, from outside of ourselves. And that is truly from our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. Amen Lord and please bless my words to only provide hope and wisdom to those that have not walked down my path that they may see Christianity from a different, wider view. Praise you!!
Psalm 49:13-14 This is the fate of those who trust in themselves, and of their followers, who approve their sayings. Like sheep they are destined for the grave, and death will feed on them.
Ecclesiastes 10:10 If the ax is dull and its edge unsharpened, more strength is needed but skill will bring success.
No comments:
Post a Comment