God's Blessings to you on this Sunday. You may have noticed all of my other posts have disappeared. As I had mentioned in previous posts, I knew when the time came (God's time), I would be led to either quit blogging, edit previous posts and/or pull down the blog.
I have asked God to convict me, through Scriptures and other Jesus Follower's words, what to do with my journey at this point.
I have used the blog to somewhat heal my wounds of the past: Wounds that were caused by religion, wounds caused by my bad choices and wounds caused by other people.
I have simply hidden the previous blogs. I am convicted to just try for a period of time to just bask in Jesus' love. I want to just relish the fact that He saved me recently, and I should not worry so much about the details.
I will be back with Act II. You got to enjoy Act I with me, and it was hopefully as good for you as it was for me.
I will be baptized in one week. I am preparing for that, spiritually. I am going to go through 40 days of Lent and then a glorious Easter. I can't wait, being so in love with the Gospel, and this will be an emotional ride, coming up. Spring is on the horizon. New hope.
I want to come back with Act II, after spending glorious time with other Jesus Followers, in person! I have so many invites for coffee and supper, to break bread with those that completely and totally understand my new life in Christ. I enjoy small group and it looks like I have a couple of invites for those as well. These are cool people, these Jesus Freaks.
I want to free up my time to not hide out in the house and type (which I love to do), but to practice fellowship so that I can be comforted, renewed, enlightened, restored.
I encourage you to read your Bible daily. Fast this upcoming season. Love on people. Tell them all about love through Christ, and how it has changed you. Tithe and give your church your first fruits.
I believe I have written 57 entries since September. That is incredible. The Holy Spirit was in that. Now, I want the Holy Spirit to humble me down further, to forget details so much and just make me enjoy God's love. I want that love to come out through my future writings.
Praise and Glory to God, who has rescued me from the pit. Praise the day I was saved! Praise the day now I was born and praise the day I was born again. Praise the day my guilt (shackles) were removed, lovingly. Every day I wake up, I try to remember to thank God for another day.
Be strong against the warfare. Be alert. The best defense is the Word. Daily Word. Find a good church. Keep searching for that church. Fill your day with beautiful music and message. Turn off the TV, the news, the trash. Fill your house with good news.
Check back with me. I am so blessed that you joined me from over 12 countries. It amazes me how many have viewed this blog. I hope to be back. Better than before. Better every day in Christ until the day I meet Him.
Revelation 22:20-21 He who testifies to these things says, "Yes, I am coming soon." Amen. Come, Lord Jesus. The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God's people. Amen.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Who are the rejected cornerstone people in your family?
Praise and Glory to God, the Most High! I am so excited, and I hope you are as well. I hope you came home from your church today, charged and ready to do some of the work the Lord needs us to do. Came home from church ready to keep growing and stretching. Came home from church, seeing hope in the future. Came home from church and you can't quit mulling over the Word of God the pastor has assisted feeding to you today! I know I did! I am on fire. I am keeping "watch" out for the Enemy, though. He loves to plant thoughts quickly in our minds, as soon as he sees we are overflowing with new life, due to instruction from church or Bible reading. (hopefully almost daily for you). I am on the front lines for the Lord. I am being vigilant in my guarding myself, from the Accuser. Do you realize that is what the word, Satan, means? It means accuser!!! Most folks think Satan is scary and causes us to do things like murder or adultery. Sins that are flagrant and obvious. But, as a new believer, I can tell you, he is crafty. Especially if you at any time in your life have admitted to being a Christian. If your parents planted any kind of Christian seed in you, you are at risk. And the more outspoken you are for the Lord, the more at risk you are. I am going to enjoy my Sunday, darn it. I am going to keep spending my Sunday with the Lord, even though church is over with! Blessings as you read this. I am hopeful it will convict you, if anything, about your long lost relatives.......that the Accuser has so skillfully assisted in keeping you from loving. Please read on. Do not fear. Jesus hates lies and deceit. Jesus loves truth and second chances and crumbling lives restoring other crumbling lives.....
Every family has a black sheep type situation. I hate that term. I am not saying that with any confidence or boldness or arrogance. I am saying that because I need you to understand "who" I am talking about. From here on out, I will call these people in all of our families, "the forgotten". Let that sit with you. Hmmm. Not comfortable.
What is so interesting, is that you can weave back through the years, decades on how these forgotten had been forgotten. How about the whispers at Christmas gatherings about the relative who obsesses about her health? How about the one who you purposely did not invite to a family gathering? How about the talks of the one "lone" alcoholic in our family, and as we are having these talks- down -our -noses discussions, we have a cocktail in our hand? Shame on me. Shame on you. I don't need to worry about the others involved. I am the one who has to answer to God someday for my sin. And I have much to explain to my Lord. I am explaining daily to Him and begging forgiveness, as almost daily, He reveals a past sin to me, that I have not yet owned up to. Ask Him to do that to you. He will grant it. And it will change your life! Do not be afraid.
Most families have forgotten members who are either: drinkers, druggers, squatters, sexually "immoral", hypochondriacs or just "not like the rest of us in the family". Oh, and let's not forget the shameful divorced people (that have tarnished our squeaky cleanness).
My extended family has all of these. (Meaning aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, siblings, parents, etc.) It almost seems like the common thread I see, and believe me, I don't know much, I just type this type of content because I am trying to learn from my evil ways and walk with Jesus closer every day, is that somehow, someone in each set of children gets to play this awful part. At least it does in my large circle of relatives and inlaws.
The irony of it all is that, I come from a Christian family. But, I do not come from a family of all out Jesus Followers. You see, Jesus Followers are very interested in the forgotten. They are spending their time either praying for the forgotten, or actually seeking them out. They don't spend their Christian time gossiping about the forgotten. They either try to redirect questions about the forgotten to something positive, or they eventually do decrease the amount of time they spend with the "haves" and increase their time with the "have-nots".
I am not righteous. I am guilty. I am a grave sinner. I have turned my life to Christ just 8 months ago. I was a Christian, and now I am a Jesus Follower. I now have a new family. My Father is God. I have new brothers and sisters in Christ, who support me and love me and encourage me. I have much hope for my earthly family. I will welcome them into my life with open arms when they accept me as a Jesus Follower, who is powered by the Holy Spirit. Who is still a sinner. But, who is living by the Word of God, who is turning from sexual sin and numbing agents including Xanax and booze. The Lord took me into His arms and has asked me to obey. And now that I have finally made a real Father connection, I understand why and how to obey. I was denied that opportunity until I found a Father in the Lord. My rebellion has ceased.
What a relief!
My sister, who is a forgotten, spend time with me this week. We had a wonderful time. We prayed and had good positive conversation. I played a Sarah McLachlan song for her on the piano. My sister mentioned the song, "We Are Born Innocent". It also is known as "Adia". My sister said, "Yes, we are all born innocent". I corrected her. We are not born innocent. We are born to sin. That is the misdirection of the Accuser. He wants you to feel to "robbed". That you fell down so hard in this life, and you started so pure as an infant. And then, wants you to either hide from God or blame God. Look at how many people in your life (maybe including you), hold on to this complete untruth! No wonder we don't go to church. Find a Holy Spirit church! Find a church where the forgotten's hang out. Where they are welcome to communion. Where they are prayed over. I am one of the forgotten. I am divorced twice. I have been in numerous abusive relationships with men. I have been abandoned in so many ways. I have been neglected, bullied and made fun of, mostly by relatives and men in my life. I have abused alcohol. I believe I was well on my way of being somewhat dependent on alcohol as a stress reliever, among other things.
I am a beautiful creation. I am musical. I play the piano very, very well. I am a good cook. I am a great mother and grandmother. I am only 43 years old. I am bold. I am intellectual and deep and always was spiritual. I have great faith, even through very tough times. I think all of the time, and problem solve. I feel deep pain for others. I am artistic in many ways other than music. I require little sleep. I use this time to now read and be with the Lord.
All of these things now, I know I do only thru Christ. I now realize I am nothing without Christ. I was hanging on by a thread for 42 years, mostly on my own strength. My control issues, my stubbornness and my anger were part of my fuel. My fuel now is on Holy Spirit fumes. I told my sister in Christ, Denise, that I do not think I can survive now if I turn my back on God. I really mean that. I don't know if I can live. I also don't know how to put that into words for you today. But, it would be the same as dead.
God's hand was under me the entire 42 years. But, He was waiting for this, what started as a sinful creature at birth, to turn to Him for everything. Surrender it all. Quit controlling it all. Read His Book! Quit trusting the world. Search and search and search for Him!
Praise, Glory to God, the day I was saved, April 14, 2011. I shed tears for this conversion experience almost daily.
Now, I am seeking the forgotten. I was once somewhat on the forgotten list. There are many of my relatives that are truly discarded by the others. "They are crazy". "They are miserable to be around". So, the "haves" are really in the circle, and the outliers need to stay on the outside of the circle.
Well, in a sense I am in a new category of forgotten. You see, I am "in a cult". (My church is Wesleyan, so that is so untrue). People are "worried about Missy".
So, while I spend time with the Lord, or visiting the forgotten, or loving on my children and grandchildren, or get more and more involved with a healthy, Holy Spirit driven church that reaches out for more of the forgotten, the "haves" are wasting even more time, listening to the Accuser, and spreading misinformation.
The Holy Spirit spoke to me very clearly Saturday morning. He awoke me with tears and a mission. To visit a relative that is elderly and shut in. I remember her making me a pillow or homemade item almost every Christmas growing up. She was always nice and pleasant. She seemed like she was always missing some love somewhere. Like she was misunderstood, like I have felt most of my life.
I will miss the Superbowl today. I am so fine with that. God told me to seek out my Aunt and I should have listened when He told me to do it about two months ago. He then told me to seek out an uncle. That is on the agenda for in the next couple of weeks.
Both of these people are elderly, widowed, in poor healthy and are trying to live in their homes. Some or all of their children live far away. My only plan is to go there and show love. I will keep my Bible in the car and will jump for joy if the opportunity arises to go back to the car and give her some Jesus Love through the Word. I am there to listen and love. I am taking a chance. Can you imagine Jesus here? He would be visiting this aunt, shunning the opposition, and healing and loving. If I am a true Jesus Follower, I am being Jesus here.
Denying someone affection, attention and existence is next to Godlessness.
Would you try to think of one of your forgotten and pray for a way to get to them? To find strength to fight the opposition of the "haves" and just be Jesus? Please do. I bet the Lord rains blessings your way and that in turn, will propel you to keep doing it in all facets of your life. Praise and Glory to God! He is so good to me.
Matthew 21:42 Jesus said to them, "Have you never read in the Scriptures: The stone the builders rejected has become the capstone; the Lord has done this and it is marvelous in our eyes?"
Psalm 118:22-23 The stone the builders rejected has become the capstone; the Lord has done this, and it is marvelous in our eyes.
Every family has a black sheep type situation. I hate that term. I am not saying that with any confidence or boldness or arrogance. I am saying that because I need you to understand "who" I am talking about. From here on out, I will call these people in all of our families, "the forgotten". Let that sit with you. Hmmm. Not comfortable.
What is so interesting, is that you can weave back through the years, decades on how these forgotten had been forgotten. How about the whispers at Christmas gatherings about the relative who obsesses about her health? How about the one who you purposely did not invite to a family gathering? How about the talks of the one "lone" alcoholic in our family, and as we are having these talks- down -our -noses discussions, we have a cocktail in our hand? Shame on me. Shame on you. I don't need to worry about the others involved. I am the one who has to answer to God someday for my sin. And I have much to explain to my Lord. I am explaining daily to Him and begging forgiveness, as almost daily, He reveals a past sin to me, that I have not yet owned up to. Ask Him to do that to you. He will grant it. And it will change your life! Do not be afraid.
Most families have forgotten members who are either: drinkers, druggers, squatters, sexually "immoral", hypochondriacs or just "not like the rest of us in the family". Oh, and let's not forget the shameful divorced people (that have tarnished our squeaky cleanness).
My extended family has all of these. (Meaning aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, siblings, parents, etc.) It almost seems like the common thread I see, and believe me, I don't know much, I just type this type of content because I am trying to learn from my evil ways and walk with Jesus closer every day, is that somehow, someone in each set of children gets to play this awful part. At least it does in my large circle of relatives and inlaws.
The irony of it all is that, I come from a Christian family. But, I do not come from a family of all out Jesus Followers. You see, Jesus Followers are very interested in the forgotten. They are spending their time either praying for the forgotten, or actually seeking them out. They don't spend their Christian time gossiping about the forgotten. They either try to redirect questions about the forgotten to something positive, or they eventually do decrease the amount of time they spend with the "haves" and increase their time with the "have-nots".
I am not righteous. I am guilty. I am a grave sinner. I have turned my life to Christ just 8 months ago. I was a Christian, and now I am a Jesus Follower. I now have a new family. My Father is God. I have new brothers and sisters in Christ, who support me and love me and encourage me. I have much hope for my earthly family. I will welcome them into my life with open arms when they accept me as a Jesus Follower, who is powered by the Holy Spirit. Who is still a sinner. But, who is living by the Word of God, who is turning from sexual sin and numbing agents including Xanax and booze. The Lord took me into His arms and has asked me to obey. And now that I have finally made a real Father connection, I understand why and how to obey. I was denied that opportunity until I found a Father in the Lord. My rebellion has ceased.
What a relief!
My sister, who is a forgotten, spend time with me this week. We had a wonderful time. We prayed and had good positive conversation. I played a Sarah McLachlan song for her on the piano. My sister mentioned the song, "We Are Born Innocent". It also is known as "Adia". My sister said, "Yes, we are all born innocent". I corrected her. We are not born innocent. We are born to sin. That is the misdirection of the Accuser. He wants you to feel to "robbed". That you fell down so hard in this life, and you started so pure as an infant. And then, wants you to either hide from God or blame God. Look at how many people in your life (maybe including you), hold on to this complete untruth! No wonder we don't go to church. Find a Holy Spirit church! Find a church where the forgotten's hang out. Where they are welcome to communion. Where they are prayed over. I am one of the forgotten. I am divorced twice. I have been in numerous abusive relationships with men. I have been abandoned in so many ways. I have been neglected, bullied and made fun of, mostly by relatives and men in my life. I have abused alcohol. I believe I was well on my way of being somewhat dependent on alcohol as a stress reliever, among other things.
I am a beautiful creation. I am musical. I play the piano very, very well. I am a good cook. I am a great mother and grandmother. I am only 43 years old. I am bold. I am intellectual and deep and always was spiritual. I have great faith, even through very tough times. I think all of the time, and problem solve. I feel deep pain for others. I am artistic in many ways other than music. I require little sleep. I use this time to now read and be with the Lord.
All of these things now, I know I do only thru Christ. I now realize I am nothing without Christ. I was hanging on by a thread for 42 years, mostly on my own strength. My control issues, my stubbornness and my anger were part of my fuel. My fuel now is on Holy Spirit fumes. I told my sister in Christ, Denise, that I do not think I can survive now if I turn my back on God. I really mean that. I don't know if I can live. I also don't know how to put that into words for you today. But, it would be the same as dead.
God's hand was under me the entire 42 years. But, He was waiting for this, what started as a sinful creature at birth, to turn to Him for everything. Surrender it all. Quit controlling it all. Read His Book! Quit trusting the world. Search and search and search for Him!
Praise, Glory to God, the day I was saved, April 14, 2011. I shed tears for this conversion experience almost daily.
Now, I am seeking the forgotten. I was once somewhat on the forgotten list. There are many of my relatives that are truly discarded by the others. "They are crazy". "They are miserable to be around". So, the "haves" are really in the circle, and the outliers need to stay on the outside of the circle.
Well, in a sense I am in a new category of forgotten. You see, I am "in a cult". (My church is Wesleyan, so that is so untrue). People are "worried about Missy".
So, while I spend time with the Lord, or visiting the forgotten, or loving on my children and grandchildren, or get more and more involved with a healthy, Holy Spirit driven church that reaches out for more of the forgotten, the "haves" are wasting even more time, listening to the Accuser, and spreading misinformation.
The Holy Spirit spoke to me very clearly Saturday morning. He awoke me with tears and a mission. To visit a relative that is elderly and shut in. I remember her making me a pillow or homemade item almost every Christmas growing up. She was always nice and pleasant. She seemed like she was always missing some love somewhere. Like she was misunderstood, like I have felt most of my life.
I will miss the Superbowl today. I am so fine with that. God told me to seek out my Aunt and I should have listened when He told me to do it about two months ago. He then told me to seek out an uncle. That is on the agenda for in the next couple of weeks.
Both of these people are elderly, widowed, in poor healthy and are trying to live in their homes. Some or all of their children live far away. My only plan is to go there and show love. I will keep my Bible in the car and will jump for joy if the opportunity arises to go back to the car and give her some Jesus Love through the Word. I am there to listen and love. I am taking a chance. Can you imagine Jesus here? He would be visiting this aunt, shunning the opposition, and healing and loving. If I am a true Jesus Follower, I am being Jesus here.
Denying someone affection, attention and existence is next to Godlessness.
Would you try to think of one of your forgotten and pray for a way to get to them? To find strength to fight the opposition of the "haves" and just be Jesus? Please do. I bet the Lord rains blessings your way and that in turn, will propel you to keep doing it in all facets of your life. Praise and Glory to God! He is so good to me.
Matthew 21:42 Jesus said to them, "Have you never read in the Scriptures: The stone the builders rejected has become the capstone; the Lord has done this and it is marvelous in our eyes?"
Psalm 118:22-23 The stone the builders rejected has become the capstone; the Lord has done this, and it is marvelous in our eyes.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Ok, Now even my piano sheet music collection is looking foreign....
Lord, please bless this blog. Please let it reach deep into people, not to entertain their fancies. Let Your glory shine out of these writings, even though it is laced with pain. Lord, you saved me from the pit, and I am forever thankful for that. All the glory only goes to You. I am a lowly sinner, but saved by Your grace. Amen.
I had always believed there was a taste of heaven out there. When I would play piano, but not always, but sometimes, I felt this incredible peace. But, it was a feeling of soaring as well. What I find so amazing now as I look back, is that this was just a sliver of what would come when I would get to know the Lord intimately.
I hope you can make those connections to things that are "worldly", yet somewhat heavenly.
I started a sort of a bucket list after my parents passed away. I saw the movie, "The Bucket List", but that didn't have much to do with it. I simply saw my parents pass away from cancer at young ages. I was really determined to live life, see the sites, do it all. Dad was 66 and mom was 69. Now, understand this, I am the baby of the family, so my mother was 35 when she had me. Dad was 37. My grandparents all passed very early as well. I have one relative that lived to the age of 81 and that was my paternal grandmother. She was very ill much of her last 30 years with cancer and severe heart disease, along with diabetes. She was somewhat demented, unfortunately for her last 10 years and nursing home bound.
I missed out of some elders, here. I don't remember much of my dad's parents good years. They really were neat people. I do remember after they retired and were worn down, and those were still good memories, but my grandpa died when I was 9, in 1977. After that, I really didn't have any grandparents as we were not exposed to my mother's parents really at all, except for Christmas day.
To top it off, my parents moved to South Carolina in 1987 when I was just 19. They stayed there until 1998. Dad passed in 2000. I moved away, myself in 1998 to Minnesota. I did not have a holiday with my parents as an adult for over 90% of my adult life. We played cat and mouse all over the map, but never got in the same state for very long. My exposure to my father is very limited after age 19, and prior to that, there was not a true relationship as well, when I was young. He was in our lives, in our home, but working and not available much when he was not working.
I tell you this because I want you to understand why some people have bucket lists, even at the young age of 35. I started, subconsciously, deciding I needed to travel. I needed to really look at sunsets and moons and fall leaves and prairie flowers.
I started taking more photos. Photos of things most people miss. Frost on bushes, broken chairs in my garden, musical instruments, etc. Taking photos at different angles, photos in black and white. Less photos of people and more of simple, yet exquisite things.
I started to taste just about anything you put in front of me: What was a real treat was my cruise and eating even the caviar and escargot. One meal I had prime rib and ordered the lobster dinner and ate two entrees. My palate increased in its curiosity.
My places of travel were not that exotic, but they were fun places: Las Vegas, New Orleans, Mexico. I would cry at all of these places. I cried at the Belligo Fountains at night. I cried at the view of the ocean in Mexico. I guess I didn't cry in New Orleans, though!
I enjoyed smoking at times in my life, and to smoke a cigar (yes, I am a woman, but I enjoyed in my day, cigars), walking down the streets of New Orleans and Las Vegas. Walking and smoking and looking around. Being on vacation was exhausting during these years of 2005-2011. But, for some reason, I had this internal urge to go fast, do it all, see it all, don't sleep much while you are there...kind of feeling.
I think it truly had to do with coming into my years, and being in my 30's with really not a good genetic chance of living a long life.
I think the Lord was also preparing me for my next step of His journey for me. I think He needed me to see my mom die what appeared a cruel death of lung cancer. It was long and awful and I have never seen death like that. I work in the medical field. I have worked in hospitals. I have dealt with death in my work as a ward secretary and heart monitor tech. We had plenty of deaths in my 4 years in the hospital setting.
My mom seemed to be at peace during the last week of what appeared to be a nightmare. She had plenty of morphine, but I cannot type for you, out of respect for my mother, what happened during that cruel week.
I kept that buried deep until last summer. I decided to seek out a Hospice nurse and tell her my personal horror story of what I saw happen that November 2004. I cried such tears talking to her. It hurt to cry that hard. I wanted to tell her my story, so she could be prepared for the next patient and their family that had a dying experience similar to ours. The Hospice nurse remembered our situation. She did reveal that it was one of the most difficult type of cases they have. She said that is really as hard as it gets, what happened in our situation.
I tell you this, because there is a victory story coming out of these ashes.
The Lord shows us beautiful things on this journey called earth, and He shows us some horror as well. We cannot comprehend it all.
I decided after the dust settled a little to go out there and see what was in this world. Searching for meaning, for resolution, for happiness, for answers, for anything.
But, I also found trouble.
I am sure that many of you in your 40's and up know exactly what I am talking about, this search for the meaning of life thing. I do see others doing this type of thing, and doing it for years. I hope they come to the end of it, as I did.
You see, I was going to a church once in a while and it wasn't clicking. It didn't make sense. Why am I grieving my failed marriage so hard? Why am I confused about my parents disappearing again? (A lot of the time, it just felt like they were in South Carolina and that they were just "gone"). Why is there so much pain for me? Why are my prayers not being answered? Why do I feel guilt for things that I truly know are not my fault? When do you feel full?
Well, God knew I was searching for Him. He knew I was not complete without Him. He knew me, and He knew that I would eventually search Him out in better ways. He knew that the means I was using: travel, drinking, smoking, relationships outside of marriage (I was divorced): That I would start coming to find Him in churches, in books, in seeking Godly people out.
It is such a relief to tell you that my Papa came into focus a little more clearly, when I heard a message at a church for the first time that included love, Jesus, stepping over the faith line. That it was ok that you were mad at your church you grew up in. That religious people are usually the destroyers of faith journeys.
That was over two years ago. And then I started reading. I read The Shack the summer of 2010. The times were changing for me. I was seeing light. I was seeing the darkness fall behind me, instead of in front of me. And the explosion happened on April 14, 2011. It has been a wild ride since then. Please join my ride. Please seek your answers to life in a church full of the Holy Spirit. You will know. You will see people crying, praying, opening expressing their joy and pain. It isn't scary. It is real. Check out four or five churches if you can.
Please seek your answers to life in the Bible. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you as you read it.
Don't keep searching in the Friday nights, the empty relationships that leave you robbed, the cigarettes and cigars that helped kill your mother. And worse yet, the booze that is a big lie in your family, like mine. No one wants to talk about the problems it has caused everyone, and everyone keeps drinking.
Get clean and sober and get on with it. The alarms are sounding in your head and heart and you know it. I can't believe I denied myself time that I could feel like I feel now.
I do not know why God called on me and why He did in the fashion He did. My life is turned upside down, but I love it. He rang my bell so hard, I actually am relieved, because there is not doubt, that He is real, He is guiding me, and He has made me born again. There absolutely is no doubt of that. I read the Apostle Paul's writings and I bear such image to his fast and hard journey, I so relate to him.
Let me tell you the Eden in all of this: Yes, I am turned inside out so much that even my sheet music collection looks like an alien put it on the shelves of my home. My 12 year old son picked up my "Bat Out Of Hell" piano music, which has on the front cover a demon riding a motorcycle in a grave yard, and on the back, Meatloaf touching a female on her buttocks while Jim Steinman is hugging her, and just looked at me curious. He said, "Hmmf". Well, this is the same son that asked yesterday, "Hey, mom, are you excited to get baptized this month?"
Well, I am not a complete fuddy duddy, but I do know that I even notice my tastes in what I play on the piano have changed. The Lord is calling me, apparently, to play for Him now. So, I have four books that are Christian contemporary artists, and everything else seems to lost it's appeal. What is glorious, is the lamenting, melancholy, "He doesn't love me, I need to chase him" type songs just make me want to vomit. Evanescence was one of my favorite pianists and artists, but her music just screams "I am not whole without an unhealthy man!!"
My Man now, is Christ. Christ is the center of my life. No person, no object, no trip to paradise is going to fill that gap that the Lord God Almighty finally filled in me. Please join me. Search in those good places. And here's to me living to 90, God willing!
1 John 2:15-17 Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world--the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does--comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.
I had always believed there was a taste of heaven out there. When I would play piano, but not always, but sometimes, I felt this incredible peace. But, it was a feeling of soaring as well. What I find so amazing now as I look back, is that this was just a sliver of what would come when I would get to know the Lord intimately.
I hope you can make those connections to things that are "worldly", yet somewhat heavenly.
I started a sort of a bucket list after my parents passed away. I saw the movie, "The Bucket List", but that didn't have much to do with it. I simply saw my parents pass away from cancer at young ages. I was really determined to live life, see the sites, do it all. Dad was 66 and mom was 69. Now, understand this, I am the baby of the family, so my mother was 35 when she had me. Dad was 37. My grandparents all passed very early as well. I have one relative that lived to the age of 81 and that was my paternal grandmother. She was very ill much of her last 30 years with cancer and severe heart disease, along with diabetes. She was somewhat demented, unfortunately for her last 10 years and nursing home bound.
I missed out of some elders, here. I don't remember much of my dad's parents good years. They really were neat people. I do remember after they retired and were worn down, and those were still good memories, but my grandpa died when I was 9, in 1977. After that, I really didn't have any grandparents as we were not exposed to my mother's parents really at all, except for Christmas day.
To top it off, my parents moved to South Carolina in 1987 when I was just 19. They stayed there until 1998. Dad passed in 2000. I moved away, myself in 1998 to Minnesota. I did not have a holiday with my parents as an adult for over 90% of my adult life. We played cat and mouse all over the map, but never got in the same state for very long. My exposure to my father is very limited after age 19, and prior to that, there was not a true relationship as well, when I was young. He was in our lives, in our home, but working and not available much when he was not working.
I tell you this because I want you to understand why some people have bucket lists, even at the young age of 35. I started, subconsciously, deciding I needed to travel. I needed to really look at sunsets and moons and fall leaves and prairie flowers.
I started taking more photos. Photos of things most people miss. Frost on bushes, broken chairs in my garden, musical instruments, etc. Taking photos at different angles, photos in black and white. Less photos of people and more of simple, yet exquisite things.
I started to taste just about anything you put in front of me: What was a real treat was my cruise and eating even the caviar and escargot. One meal I had prime rib and ordered the lobster dinner and ate two entrees. My palate increased in its curiosity.
My places of travel were not that exotic, but they were fun places: Las Vegas, New Orleans, Mexico. I would cry at all of these places. I cried at the Belligo Fountains at night. I cried at the view of the ocean in Mexico. I guess I didn't cry in New Orleans, though!
I enjoyed smoking at times in my life, and to smoke a cigar (yes, I am a woman, but I enjoyed in my day, cigars), walking down the streets of New Orleans and Las Vegas. Walking and smoking and looking around. Being on vacation was exhausting during these years of 2005-2011. But, for some reason, I had this internal urge to go fast, do it all, see it all, don't sleep much while you are there...kind of feeling.
I think it truly had to do with coming into my years, and being in my 30's with really not a good genetic chance of living a long life.
I think the Lord was also preparing me for my next step of His journey for me. I think He needed me to see my mom die what appeared a cruel death of lung cancer. It was long and awful and I have never seen death like that. I work in the medical field. I have worked in hospitals. I have dealt with death in my work as a ward secretary and heart monitor tech. We had plenty of deaths in my 4 years in the hospital setting.
My mom seemed to be at peace during the last week of what appeared to be a nightmare. She had plenty of morphine, but I cannot type for you, out of respect for my mother, what happened during that cruel week.
I kept that buried deep until last summer. I decided to seek out a Hospice nurse and tell her my personal horror story of what I saw happen that November 2004. I cried such tears talking to her. It hurt to cry that hard. I wanted to tell her my story, so she could be prepared for the next patient and their family that had a dying experience similar to ours. The Hospice nurse remembered our situation. She did reveal that it was one of the most difficult type of cases they have. She said that is really as hard as it gets, what happened in our situation.
I tell you this, because there is a victory story coming out of these ashes.
The Lord shows us beautiful things on this journey called earth, and He shows us some horror as well. We cannot comprehend it all.
I decided after the dust settled a little to go out there and see what was in this world. Searching for meaning, for resolution, for happiness, for answers, for anything.
But, I also found trouble.
I am sure that many of you in your 40's and up know exactly what I am talking about, this search for the meaning of life thing. I do see others doing this type of thing, and doing it for years. I hope they come to the end of it, as I did.
You see, I was going to a church once in a while and it wasn't clicking. It didn't make sense. Why am I grieving my failed marriage so hard? Why am I confused about my parents disappearing again? (A lot of the time, it just felt like they were in South Carolina and that they were just "gone"). Why is there so much pain for me? Why are my prayers not being answered? Why do I feel guilt for things that I truly know are not my fault? When do you feel full?
Well, God knew I was searching for Him. He knew I was not complete without Him. He knew me, and He knew that I would eventually search Him out in better ways. He knew that the means I was using: travel, drinking, smoking, relationships outside of marriage (I was divorced): That I would start coming to find Him in churches, in books, in seeking Godly people out.
It is such a relief to tell you that my Papa came into focus a little more clearly, when I heard a message at a church for the first time that included love, Jesus, stepping over the faith line. That it was ok that you were mad at your church you grew up in. That religious people are usually the destroyers of faith journeys.
That was over two years ago. And then I started reading. I read The Shack the summer of 2010. The times were changing for me. I was seeing light. I was seeing the darkness fall behind me, instead of in front of me. And the explosion happened on April 14, 2011. It has been a wild ride since then. Please join my ride. Please seek your answers to life in a church full of the Holy Spirit. You will know. You will see people crying, praying, opening expressing their joy and pain. It isn't scary. It is real. Check out four or five churches if you can.
Please seek your answers to life in the Bible. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you as you read it.
Don't keep searching in the Friday nights, the empty relationships that leave you robbed, the cigarettes and cigars that helped kill your mother. And worse yet, the booze that is a big lie in your family, like mine. No one wants to talk about the problems it has caused everyone, and everyone keeps drinking.
Get clean and sober and get on with it. The alarms are sounding in your head and heart and you know it. I can't believe I denied myself time that I could feel like I feel now.
I do not know why God called on me and why He did in the fashion He did. My life is turned upside down, but I love it. He rang my bell so hard, I actually am relieved, because there is not doubt, that He is real, He is guiding me, and He has made me born again. There absolutely is no doubt of that. I read the Apostle Paul's writings and I bear such image to his fast and hard journey, I so relate to him.
Let me tell you the Eden in all of this: Yes, I am turned inside out so much that even my sheet music collection looks like an alien put it on the shelves of my home. My 12 year old son picked up my "Bat Out Of Hell" piano music, which has on the front cover a demon riding a motorcycle in a grave yard, and on the back, Meatloaf touching a female on her buttocks while Jim Steinman is hugging her, and just looked at me curious. He said, "Hmmf". Well, this is the same son that asked yesterday, "Hey, mom, are you excited to get baptized this month?"
Well, I am not a complete fuddy duddy, but I do know that I even notice my tastes in what I play on the piano have changed. The Lord is calling me, apparently, to play for Him now. So, I have four books that are Christian contemporary artists, and everything else seems to lost it's appeal. What is glorious, is the lamenting, melancholy, "He doesn't love me, I need to chase him" type songs just make me want to vomit. Evanescence was one of my favorite pianists and artists, but her music just screams "I am not whole without an unhealthy man!!"
My Man now, is Christ. Christ is the center of my life. No person, no object, no trip to paradise is going to fill that gap that the Lord God Almighty finally filled in me. Please join me. Search in those good places. And here's to me living to 90, God willing!
1 John 2:15-17 Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world--the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does--comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.
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