Interesting thing the Holy Spirit is doing lately with my car. I found myself driving by places of regret by accidental intention. He only does this to help us, to heal us. So often, I think we gloss over our past sins, with layers of cheap Kmart blankets of "we were just too young", or "I was going through a rough spot, there". I did that. I think I didn't want to reveal the true pain of regret if I didn't have to. Don't get me wrong, some things make me shutter that I have done in my past. And I shutter every time I think of these certain items. But like the stack of firewood behind my garage, there is quite a bit there to examine.
I found myself on one end of W. 9th Street, trying to get across Highway 218. I was with a loved one. Her life is very complex and some of you know the situation(s). I will keep it benign in description, as I plan to with most intimate details of life. But, there we were together, kind of looking for rummage sales type mentality on the way to cross 218. And she pointed out a house. A house were bad things happened for her. It was like someone blew a candle out in a dark room when she said it. I examined that house closely. You look at a house and typically imagine children and pets and TVs and maybe a bowl of fruit. But reality is that many homes have these things going on in them. And my loved one was so awesome and brave and authentic to point out what happened there for her that destroyed her life for awhile. Bless her for sharing that. She didn't have to. I know that was monumental. It was real. It did help me and make it real for me as well.
And then, I have this urge to go to the Amish this Saturday on a day that any fool would go to the Air Show. But, I was driven to take Joe to the Amish. He has never been there. Just like he has never been in a cave until I took him (?? what ?? no cave?? and 50 yrs old?) So, we go and then I feel a gloom and darkness come over me and we drive by a place that I have regrets. But, I didn't share. And he shares some personal information about himself that was quite revealing that he didn't have to tell me. That same area brought up regrets for him as well. It's interesting, if you live long enough and don't grow up until you are in your 40's, you do have a little bit more to explain to your loved ones than if you grow up in a more typical time frame of, let's say, by the time you finish college?
If any of you know me well, I possess a guilty type conscience. But, it didn't seem to help me to avoid trouble. It just keep adding up, all of that guilt because I wasn't able to stop the poor choice making. This boils down to me trying to control it. My behavior, my world. How many times could I hear other Christians talk about walking in the light, following God, Let Go, Let God, Jesus Take The Wheel (Carrie Underwood?). Well, not this go getter! I really thought I had it all figured out, even though I hated many Mondays because I made poor choices with my time. And luckily I came across a book, The Shack. And that book came a few months after pretty regularly attending a Biblical, believers baptism type church a number of times. And then I started asking questions at work of a dear coworker who I knew was as grounded a Christian as they come. I asked her "Does Jesus really love me?" And I shared that I was so uncertain that I was going to heaven. She helped me with such kind words. She knew I was searching and she was perfect for me, sitting across the hall from me. And the story just continues into this most wonderful journey that now is plowing like a freight train through my work and home. My kids are stunned. I just tell them these words: Just watch me. Just observe me. You will know it is true by my actions. Praise be to God! He is so good and has filled that hole in my heart, I didn't even know I had, filling it will junk.
There are so many highways for this girl to travel on yet. I am on a Holy Spirit journey. He is showing me the old yet, and I am living the New. And the more I live in the New, the more I won't make those bad choices. And it just keeps getting better and better and actually, easier to obey our Loving Daddy, because now I know a relationship I never even imagined could be possible.
Psalm 40:1-3 I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
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