Glory to God! My son says it is snowing up a storm in Minneapolis, and he is happy about it! What else can we do, but rejoice in the change of seasons in the Midwest. We have such a variety. We had quite a mild day in Iowa. We hang on tight, enjoy every weekend we have free of snow and slush, as we shop and prepare for Thanksgiving and Christmas.
One thing I noticed as I had my transformation this last year is identifying functions that were powered by negative voices that really were not my own.
I can say that it was a relief to catch on to this. I hope this blog is helpful for you, so that you may identify when you are screaming and groaning inside, and you don't even realize it.
One task I do that I noticed this happening was shoveling snow. I think part of that is that my two marriages ended in November. I was alone in November twice. And had snow to shovel. Large driveways. And was angry. I found myself for years shoveling "anger". I was crabbing and growling inside. Sometimes I would curse my ex's for leaving and gifting me with trying to move snow so I could get to work.
Another time I notice this behavior is when I mow, when I am trying to turn a screw and when I am doing some other hard labor around the house.
I find myself thinking of situations which include all kinds of people in my life, that made me upset, made me angry. The thoughts in my head go on for most of the time doing this intense labor at home.
I caught on to this, this spring! This was about the time that a general sense of well being came upon me, around the time I understood I was born again.
I wrote in my journal the day in May 2011, that I noticed the negative voices leaving me. The "you are so stupid", "you are so arrogant", "you have so many people that hate you", "you are crazy" just to name a few of the statements that would continually run as a tape in my head, especially during hard labor at home.
This is not a psychiatric condition. This is evil speaking to me, putting me down and taking away my joy. My entire life. Making me think I had it so rough, that I was being cheated, that I would never measure up anyhow, that the problems were just way too big to be solved.
One activity my entire life that took me away from my mental pain was playing the piano. To play the piano takes every bit of my concentration. I totally blank out of the world while playing. It is so pleasurable. I have had this gift since age 8, playing piano. Now, I have added reading as a hobby, in a mostly silent house. I lose myself in wonderful books about faith and faith journeys and born again journeys. I have read so many books since my awakening. Now I have two precious hobbies.
What if you identified that you have negative voices? If you become keen enough, you will pinpoint them. I think for me, I realized with the hope I uncovered in reading the Bible and finding a hope filled, Jesus walking church, that I knew I did not deserve negative voices. They were not of my heart. They were not Holy Spirit filled. They were only from a dark place. A place that wanted me to fail. And the Lord wants us to flourish. Be filled with joy. Hope. Love.
Get quiet. Often. And do an inventory on what you hear. Nothing? Good thoughts? Or dwelling on situations in your past that hurt you? Or worry of the future?
Yes, it is perfectly normal to be "human" and worry about things. And like I put it, I have "shivers" of regret. Short moments of a regretful situation in my past that left a scar. I actually shiver. I think some of these things will just span out, farther and farther as my journey continues. I certainly learned from them. And know I will not go back to some of these situations. I feel too good now, I wake up without regret daily.
Yes, there is appropriate anger. Maybe my shoveling anger isn't so harmful. I am sweating out my anger. I am not cursing at anyone. I actually am silent through this exercise induced anger. Some anger is appropriate. And what we do with this anger is what comes next. Jesus anger as stated in John 2: 14-16:
In the temple courts he found men selling cattle, sheep and doves, and others sitting at tables exchanging money. So he made a whip out of cords, and drove all from the temple area, both sheep and cattle; he scattered the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables. To those who sold doves, he said, "Get these out of here! How dare you turn my Father's house into a market!"
John Eldredge's new book, Beautiful Outlaw, describes so fiercely this anger that our Lord had in this scene. So often, we are softened by his appearance as seen in paintings, and what the world has made him out to be: A sandal wearing, love everyone without boundaries and direction, make him fit us and our transgressions kind of hippie. That He is not. He is the Son of God. One of the Holy Trinity. He IS God.
Jesus had righteous anger here. Clearing the temple. Think of Him in these facets as well.
Is my anger every justified when I read these verses? No.
I need to think of my anger in ways that..... I need to forgive. Forgive those that hurt me. Keep praying those forgiveness prayers. Having ultimate trust in Jesus to show me how to continue to walk more like Him. And obviously, if we are in our walk with Him, these types of behaviors will either cease or lessen.
I have so much hope in this. Amen, Lord Jesus Christ. I am not even worthy to be asking to be a light to others. I am to always point them to Christ, the Light. I am trying to be a witness to the Light.
Have a blessed Sunday.
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