......"You have never been this way before......"

Joshua 3:4 Then you will know which way to go, since you have never been this way before.

How do we deal with all of these new in-roads?  As believers, we can't see any farther than the small lamp placed at our feet, but our flesh wants promises while still on this earth.  We want health prosperity, wealth prosperity and spiritual prosperity.  We want it now and pick and choose the Scriptures to speak to us instead of reading the Book as a whole.  We believe (even if we deny) the prosperity message and sometimes listen without discernment to those who want us to feel guilty or less than spiritual if we are not 100% well.  The general prosperity message out there today offers false hope and short lived relief to those who are desperate or those who have accumulated wealth and wish to justify their "blessing" without giving it away as fast as they make it.  Have I done this as well?  Yes, I have sinned in this area.  But, now I have walked down a health care crisis "path" that I never saw coming and never imagined would change me for the better.

My mom had to put up with me asking 10,000 questions.  I wanted answers.  I wanted answers about eternity, homosexuality, slavery, abortion and human cruelty to name a few.   She finally one day (when I could handle it), stated, "Missy, there are no promises in this life".  Even though she didn't have the skill set to complete all of these sentences with our eternal promises from our Lord and Savior, Jesus and what heaven has for those who call on the name of the Lord, she did try to help me to begin to understand that you will not ever completely understand.
That is where new roads are plowed.  You don't see them coming.  It is painful and frightening and we seem unprepared.

I found myself in late May of 2014 with a mass in my left abdomen.  It seemed harmless in many ways.  Just an ovary that needed to possibly come out.  But it grew and gnawed on my abdomen.  I felt pregnant, but only on one side.  It hurt to sit and to lay on my left side.  I had other symptoms, too personal to mention.  We set up the surgery after being told it had to come out.  There was no option but surgery.  What we then experienced turned out to be a few medical errors (I am forgiving of this) and a personal hell that I had not visited before.

I had not considered suicide as a means out of a medical crisis before. I had in the past considered it during deep depression due to divorce.  But now I am wrestling with post operative nausea, pain and loss of concentration so severe that I could not even focus on a picture hanging on the wall.  This went on for days.  Water was nauseating.  I managed to try to drink some hot tea and eat the corners off of a couple of saltines.

I ended up in the hospital a second time after the initial surgery.  I was having urine back up into my left kidney causing incredible pressure/pain, sweats, fever and nausea.  I moaned and cried at times.  Honestly, as hard as it is to type this, I wanted to go be with Jesus.  I saw no way out.  I gave up hope on the physicians, as they were saying things like "You are just constipated".  They ignored a low grade fever for 8 days and pretty dramatic weight loss in me that was pretty hard to miss.  My lab work showed that my body had begun starvation mode.  I had another medical procedure done to stent open my ureter. I had "water on the kidney" (hydronephrosis) and a ballooned ureter (hydroureter).  There were no promises that this would work.  It was only a temporary fix if there was truly scarring or postoperative damage done.  We are still battling this issue.

I am not bashing the medical field.  I myself have worked in the medical field since I was 17.  Don't miss my point.  God is in control and Romans 8:28 states "And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. "


I found through this trial many blessings and revelations.  Here I will list to God's glory:
1)  I have new compassion for those who consider suicide due to medical pain and suffering.
2)  I have new compassion for those who suffer with chronic medical issues that there seems to be no hope for.
3)  I will be more careful as I listen and counsel those who are suffering due to medical issues.
4)  I had to lean on Jesus more than I ever had to in the past when I was too sick to pray or read the Bible.
5)  I found myself accepting laying on of hands and people praying for me more than I had ever felt comfortable before.
6)  I have never prayed so hard for my own healing, as I am still praying for this with some ongoing medical issues.
7)  I wept in repentant tears in the bathtub one day to Jesus Christ that I was so sorry that in the past I had looked for attention from others relating to my health issues instead of taking the attention off of my problems/health issues and focusing more on others problems.
8) I let the tears flow freely of my pain and sorrow, just as Jesus did.  I did this without shame.  I cried in the operating room, doctor's office, most rooms of my house, in the car and in the arms of others.  I still cry almost daily.  It feels good in my joy of the Lord to cry my sorrow.
9) I counted on my spouse more than I have ever done and found a total loss of control that was good for me to experience.   I am to trust.  I am fortunate to have not had to face this alone without a spouse.  I may not have mentally or physically survived.
10) Lord willing, I am ready to serve Him with renewed strength.  Isaiah 40:31 states, "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on the wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
11) I never game up on God.  I knew He loved me through this illness and surgery.  I cried out a few times, "God, I know you are teaching me through this".  I cry now as I type this to you.  Please consider it in your own crisis.
12) I am more than ever ready for His return and/or to take me home.  Yet, there is so much work to do.  As the apostle Paul states, Philippians 1:21-23  "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.  If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me.  Yet what shall I choose?  I do not know.  I am torn between the two; I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far."

May the Lord Jesus not take my words lightly, may He bless this blog entry.  May I be obedient to Him, the one who owns my soul, saved me from the pit of life and the pit of burning hell.  He did it only by a miracle, His Holy Spirit enlightened me to His salvation.  And....then I responded to it.